** This post is inspired by a status message shared by one of my FB friends on her profile – Vinita Jain please take a bow!!! **
I am sure there were a few chuckles on reading the title of this post for some point in all of our lives we are guilty of letting others take us for granted.
But why do we do that?
Is it because we can’t stand up for ourselves?
Or perhaps we don’t want to create strife?
Maybe we feel the other person is right as we are not confident of our opinion?
My vote goes to not wanting to appear discordant and displease the other person, for inherently we all are people pleaser. This is the prime reason why we let people take us for granted.
None of us wants to be judged acrimonious as we are eager for acceptance; be it in a peer group, family circle or even a personal relationship. Most of us are not confident of our choices and seek to follow the leader as it’s the easier way out. So upsetting the apple cart is not the norm for us.
But how does this affect the “other” person? I mean always being right and having people accept their decision without a question might make them feel superior?
Well it does and that’s where the problem begins.
This “other” person gets so used to this power that they start taking us for granted. Be it our support to stand behind them, make time for them or simply to wait for them to notice us. – we prefer to acquiesce without any complaints.
I used to be one such people pleaser, till I got too hurt to care anymore.
I had a “friend” in school who used me as a sidekick to make fun of and look good in front of the “cool” kids. I liked her and felt grateful that she noticed me, so went along with it till it became a habit for her and she went OTT with it one day. It ended badly as I snapped all ties with her. Years later we met in Gurgaon as career women settling into new marriages; I responded positively to her initiatives till I realised that a leopard doesn’t change its spots. She was still in high school with her pettiness and bitchy disposition while I had matured and moved on.
I worked for this woman who I started to idolize as she was everything I wanted to be – Smart, confident, outgoing and winsome. Initially, she praised me a lot and made me feel her equal; but then she started putting me down in front of clients / contractors as it made her look good. She would use my technical inputs and make them sound her own while I would stand there mutely. Eventually I walked out of this work relationship too; but did tell her that that’s all she was to me. I had learnt my lesson from the prima donna in my school life.
Both the cases I was in awe of these women and didn’t want to appear dumb or stupid by disagreeing with them. Both took advantage of my gullibility and low self-esteem.
Both cases, the loss is theirs. They took me for granted and lost my respect for them in the process; for you see I wasnt afraid to walk out on either one of them.
” You have got to learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served.” – Nina Simone
Yes it took time for me to do so, but I did manage to do so. I guess the biggest reason for me to step away from these people was self-love. I accepted my worth as an individual; more importantly that worth wasnt dependant on being liked by people like these women.
I have overcome my fear of not having “anyone” with me as at the end of the day we are all alone. There are no guarantees on one hand that someone we tie ourselves too, will last our lifetime and on the other hand there is always a supportive inner circle of well wishers wherever we go.
Live life on your terms, do only as much as you can manage and be honest to yourself – that is my mantra of life and I give a damn for anyone who doesn’t understand or “minds”.
What say folks? Do you realise when you have started to take someone for granted and rectify it? What happens when its you who is being taken for granted? I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Linking with Corinne for #MondayMusings – do share your post link with me please
Linking up with Mackenzie for the #mg linky
If you wish to read my previous #MondayMusings posts, you can grab them here:
Oh this has happened to me many a times. In school and as a grown up too. It took me time (long.) to realize that there is no point in pleasing others. Even if they are your relatives. I used to ‘waste’ so much time feeling the unjust attitude of few, until I just learnt to walk away. Great Post Shalini!
Thanks so much Z- we all go through it and evolve as a person to realise how toxic its been for us. Cutting ties is a sign of maturity and am glad to hear you are doing it too.
You did good by cutting ties with them. A lot of times people realize a little too late that they are being taken advantage of. It’s better to walk away than staying in toxic friendships.
I have no patience for peeps wanting me to hang around waiting for them to make up their minds whether they want to be friends with me or not. I have become quite a bitch in this regard but in return I have so much peace of mind that I am not missing out these folks at all!!
You know, that’s how I need to be! I have been a people pleaser for a really long time. Guess I have become so used to it that people now make use of me! Hehe..I know, dumb joke! But, I really need to give myself a good morale boost, as well as a heavy dose of self-confidence for whatever and however I am and learn to live my life pleasing myself, the world be damned!
Ahem, will I be able to do it? The self-doubt haunts me!
You are such a gorgeous person Shilpz – never doubt that! You are unique and awesome! I think so and am looking forward to making our friendship real someday! I love your writings and your art is just amazing. I have met/known people who claim to be artists but their entire outlook to life is not so at all. Their creativity is also pretty meh! Yet they glorify and sell themselves pretty well.
You on the other hand have genuine talent – I love your art a lot and look forward to seeing your latest creations everyday. You should look at commercializing it – its not so difficult! Lets grab that chat we have been meaning to catch and talk more about this.
Hugs
I completely agree with you but what happens when you cannot walk away?
Then you ask if its worth staying! Its upto each of us and what our priority is. If someone is financially dependant on the other person, then they will have to put up with it or find the courage to seek this independance too. Only you can decide what is good for you – if you cant walk away, there would be some reason for you not too. Evaluate that reason and see how it is. No one can decide it for you – you have to do it all by yourself!
Yes, one should have the courage to walk out of the relation when taken for granted becomes the norm. You did right by choosing you over them, Shalz. We have to love ourselves first. 🙂
True dat Vinitha- thanks so much for dropping by!! Walking away from negative things is the best self love we can express for ourselves 🙂
You go, girl! I guess all of us were/are people pleasers. But I seem to have found my voice and now am able to sever ties with those who are taking me for granted. As you rightly said, it is their loss. I hate it when people do this.
I hate it too Rachna but then it is their loss; they undervalue me which is not acceptable to me! So glad to hear you too dont tolerate such toxicity in your life and have the courage to walk away 🙂
That Nina Simone quote is beautiful, Shalini, and delivers the message so gently but firmly. More power to you for walking away from those toxic people. My mantra is to always focus on those who love me. <3 between that and the routine, there's no time for anything else.
Thanks Vidya- that advice makes so much sense! I shall try to inculcate that in now 🙂
This is so true! It has happened to me a lot of times. But now I’ve kinda learnt to deal with it. I find it hard to trust people these days but I know that this is better!
Hugs Reema I know what you mean by that. I hope you do find the balance as it can get very lonely without folks around you!
I have always tried to make others happy at my own expense, some lessons are hard ones to learn, great post I am glad you found your inner love and strength and you know you are worth more! Thank you fo joining in with #mg
Ah! We have all been there Mackenzie – more power to you in finding your centre amidst this chaos. I quite enjoy the linkup- thanks for the initiative
Yes it’s good to walk away from those who mind and when love is not being served , but still in Practical life , we have to please many – the dumbos at workplace or the egoistics in family , how can we walk away , we can try avoiding though
We can stop being their door mats for sure Monika; I guess workplace becomes different as naukri ka sawal hai!! But one should try not be used and strive to find balance with one what does there.
The problem is, when you make other people understand through your actions and words that you’re not that type to be taken for granted, they label you as egoistic. And, if you don’t, they take advantages of your naivety.
Ha ha Mani thats true too – I have learnt to ignore and not care about what they think. They are literally not worth having in my life and I have learnt to move from them!
OMG this is so true. Thanks for an honest post. I’m just glad I’ve learned to love myself more.
Thanks so much Lux – glad to hear that this post reasonated with you.
Being people pleasers comes instinctively to a lot of us because we do not want a confrontation. Glad you could walk away. It takes plenty of courage to go against years of conditioning and our basic nature.
Thanks Tulika – its the years of conditioning that is to blame for it. I am glad too for having the courage to walk away from it.
Hi Shalz! I could relate 100% to this post. Even the real life incidents were so relatable. It is true when you are no afraid to say no and walk away from a bad relationship, that´s the real turning point. A wonderful post which everyone should read. 🙂
Please read my #MondayMusings post for this week: https://thetinaedit.com/2018/03/06/life-is-a-fairy-tale-mondaymusings/. Thank you! 🙂
Thanks so much Tina; as a blogger it feels so great to read such comments where the writing is successful in making the reader connect with the though behind the post! 🙂
🙂