Growing up, I was an insecure child with issues over my appearances, height, skin colour, body fat, buck teeth and what not. Of course it was all accentuated when I was pulled up by my parents/authority over some of it too; rest was hammered over by my peers and prejudices alike. So safe to say I was a very unsocial child who preferred to bury her imperfect nose in a book over making friends.
Moving out of the home cocoon to a big bad ass city to work, made me grow up beyond my little prejudices about myself. I realised people like me, they are attracted to me and gravitate towards me; despite all my imperfections. So in an alien city, I suddenly started blossoming into an extrovert (a cautious one) who began to make friends everywhere she went.
I started to have friends at workplace, coffee shops, library, drama theatres, dance classes, gym, photography workshops – ok yes I went bonkers with the extra curricular as I had the financial independence to choose. I had friends across age groups and genders.
But when you have so many friends, you also have heartaches in plenty. Someone who is a friend one day, isn’t so the next. There is no clue of how it happens or when – but it started to and with regularity.
So heartaches became a thing of routine, leading to folks really close to me to comment on why do I have so many friends? Fair enough questions! I mean who needs so many when the oldest few from my childhood days are holding steadfast?
So I tried to not make friends. Okay I said I “tried”!! And yes it didn’t work.
I had started following a meditation practice in 2015 and one day I asked the guide about this issue of mine. She suggested I meditate over it and see how I feel.
Voila!!!! I had my eureka moment after a few self sessions. The answer was very clearly there. It was not magic – the answer was there inside of me and I had to just see it.
So what did I do?
Simple! I shut off all other thoughts as best as I could and focused on one person/relationship at a time. Everytime I did that, I had tears and laughter at the memories we had together; making me even more crazy to understand why it ended. But then right at the end of it, I would realise why.
Take for instance this couple who I was very close to and who held my hand during my divorce; were there to be social with me when I needed it and to cry with me too. But a few years later we fell apart over a “silly” misunderstanding which was actually not so. I had been feeling being taken for granted as a friend since a few months now and so a little thing sparked a fall out. All the time, they also refused to see my side of it. Just like that we were kaput out of a friendship. When I meditated I realised they needed to go their way – they had done all they needed to in my life. Now it was the important thing in their life that needed their focus and I could no longer walk the path with them as I had nothing to do with that path or offer anything to it either.
I wished them well in my heart and bade them adieu in this self meditating session. It was the same with many others. Some vanished, some I was happy to see go, and then some just died!
But they are all a very big part of who I am for they have all contributed to my life with lessons, examples and love – all of which I needed to grow into the creature I am right now. I hold no ill feelings towards anyone of them; they taught me to love and respect the ones I have in my life now.
So the lesson I took away from it was that people do come in your life for a reason (to fulfil a need), for a season (when you need a person in a phase) and for a lifetime (the ones who walk all the way through). Not everyone makes it through all the way just as not everyone disappears away. It’s the Universe answering our prayers/needs/wants in the way It deems best for us.
On an aside, this post was prompted by two surprise messages I got from folks who were no longer “friends” with me for a while now. Guess the New Year made them reflective and they reached out to change status quo. It made me rethink a lot as one wanted to be back into it again. What do you think of this? What would you advise me? Caution or let go of the past? Have you had such moments of reflections on your friends?
Joining up with #mondaymusings with Corinne
Sharing another #mondaymusings post of mine that I really love which you can read Here
Hey Shalini.. lovely story and infact it is very similar to mines..I faced most of these problems like you did and braved a lot of these insecurities after becoming a big girl..You better dump these so called buddies cause they are fair whether friends..A friend in need is a friend indeed..Nothing is damaging to your sense of self worth than being surrounded by people who pick away at you.Surround yourself with people who uplift you and make you feel big ..Cut out the ones that make you feel small and oblivion..Always be the strong lone wolf and stand up for what you feel is right
Thanks Prianka – very well said that a friend in need is a friend indeed! Thanks so much for the advice; feels good to hear such sane words! 🙂
such a beautiful post with an important life lesson, i had felt each and every emotions that you had expressed in the post. and being an introvert person, I would be able to co-relate with your childhood memories so well. yes! sometimes it feels really hard to face all tough moments but hats off to you you had done it so bravely.
Thanks so much Surbhi for your lovely words of praise and encouragement!
I read a very interesting book once about Friendshifts rather than Friendships. And yes, people do come into your life for a reason….Enjoy them while they are there and forget about them when they forget you. Life is too short to have bad memories crowd your head.
Thats an interesting concept – Friendshifts!!! Hmmmm – pondering on that for now. Thanks for the share Sunita 🙂
Shalzzzzz!! This could very well have been a post written by me – WORD TO WORD!
I agree with you 100% on each and everything you have written here – been there, done that – including not made new friends, heartaches, et al.
It does take time to get over some people, but it’s a continuous process. There are times, like these two days now, that I miss some friends terribly, but I decided to move on and they moved on, too. We were there for each other when we needed each other the most, and now that phase has passed by, so we need to get on with our lives.
Your closest friends will always be there with you, come what may. And these friends may be just a few, or less, in number. You may not even connect with them on a daily basis, but they have your back. That is what you must remember and move on in life. But,the most important thing to do is, to become your own best friend. Saves you a lot of heartache. I strive to do just that, each day, every day, in the hope that it makes me emotionally independent.
Hugs, sweetie!
Yes the goal is to be emotionally independant but being in a relatioship with someone means you garner expectations which eventually leads to disappointments.
Hugs back to you sweety and I agree the bum chums are the best ones as they last and last and last like the Duracell batteries 😉
The reflections about that couple in your meditation tugged a string in my heart. Life becomes easy when we develop acceptance of people choosing to move away, thinking them of life lessons and extending our gratitude for them – both the people and the lesson. Your thought process in this post is so much similar to how I feel about the friends and relations in my life. Everyone who we come across in our lifetime or befriend is here for a purpose or as Corinne has said in her post – ‘for walking us home’ and we are also doing the same with the other.
My advice to your question on ‘Caution or let go off the past’ would be let go off the past and give yourself as well as the other a chance once again. May be it will work out, may be it will not but there will certainly be an opening for a new lesson about the self.
Thanks so much Anamika; the quesion is always wht if they hurt me again! But then I am the wiser about them by now so yeah its ok to let them in a bit and see where this goes. Just to update, neither was serious about it and it was just some randomness on their part!
Your analysis is so thoughtful and mature. It’s also an great way to let things go without feeling any animosity. Sometimes life takes priority over people, relationships don’t necessarily have to last for forever. And I am sure with your bubbly smile, you will make more friends
Thanks so much Raj – I try to keep it as positive as I can for mysefl; otherwise its me crying away!!
So very true. Some friendships can be so deep that when they fall apart they take a little of your heart with them.
Share Your World.
Thanks so much Shirley- that is so true. SOme of them just tear you apart when they leave. Thankfully I have learnt to now send them off with peace in my heart
Your post made me think and alert – long comment below..
I have been like you growing up with my share on complexes over appearances and what not. Parents were by my side but not the society. At an age of 10, people were worried how will my parents find a groom for me. So, you know how people are. I took time to overcome all sorts of negative things. It started when I met a few girls who liked me as a helpful studious person and not cos of how I looked. So, over a period of time I got to know that only those who like me will stay by side and those who don’t like me, I also don’t need them.
I am still the same. Helpful, open but an introvert. I know a lot of people but I am close to just a few. Let’s say 3 which includes VT. The profession I chose lets me explore my self. I talk to so many people and most of the times, I am only listening. So I do have my guards on all the time which is how now I am.
So here is the crux for me that I have shared with a lot of folks. Life is a set of rooms and each one after the other. Every room has a set of people. And you move from one room to the other. Your first room is your birth room and you meet your parents or older siblings there. And your last room is your death room. You leave everything behind. As you move from one room to the other, people from the previous room either move along with you or you go alone. Each room also has a new set of people. So you make more friends, meet people and you also let go friends, an ex etc etc.
To your question – go ahead and meet these folks. What if they are now coming to be with you? 🙂
(Looks like I should write a post on this topic 😉 )
Whoa Parul thank you so so much for sharing such warm and wonderful thoughts with me. I agree with being with only the folks who are into me for what/who I am. You must definitely write a post on this as this is one helluva sage advise on a very important and recurring themes in all our lives. 🙂
Friendship can be fickle. It makes me wonder on the bond we make with people and the fake social media world. But, the best thing is that you are being true to yourself and I also mull a lot about ideological differences which some people take some personally. I am learning to let go with a pinch. More power to you.
Thanks so much Vishal. I know what you are trying to say here and yes thats exactly the issue with me being wary of now getting “back” with these folks.
Isnt that life! Sometimes we dont expect anything beyond the point of return… but it returns back when we expect it least!
If i had to choose, I will accept it as a new chapter and handle it better; courtesy knowledge acquired from closing of previous chapters of life!
Your point of view is so bright and positive Anagha; cheers for sharing that with me! 🙂
Realization that some relationships are meant only for a certain time I think was your turning point. I am probably the person in the relationship who moves on faster except in those selected rishthas thats meant to be for a lifetime.
Thanks Namy and I think you are right!! Dang there is so much to handle in this one little life of mine 😉
Isnt it!